Dear Secret Weapon,
If I don’t leave right now, I’m going to be late for work. But I need to know how much Bailey’s should I add to my coffee this morning?
What a great question. You’ll be shocked to know that it’s actually a question I ask myself just about every morning.
First, the official response: In case this question was asked by my boss, the answer is “none, of course.” You can’t go to work with booze in your coffee. Unless, I suppose, you walk to work and your work at a bar and your boss is really cool. For the other 99.5% of you out there…the answer is just “none.”
Now my boss never reads this far into anything I write, so I can start to get real with you.
Listen, I love my weekend coffee. Mrs. Weapon and I always have a bottle of Bailey’s in the fridge and we usually have a backup on hand. We run out of half-and-half all the time, but we always have Bailey’s at the ready. That’s how much we love our weekend coffee.
But you have to be reasonable about your weekend coffee at the same time. You can’t mix it too heavy. You don’t want your coffee to turn into a slippery nipple, for crying out loud. You don’t want a noontime hangover because you had too much…coffee. So exercise good judgement. If that’s hard for you, invest in a good jigger and limit yourself to just one (or two…three if necessary) doses.
Now that’s all for the actual weekend. During the week is a different story.
Look, you simply can’t drive to work while drinking a loaded coffee. So that’s the first issue with the whole question. There are legal and safety implications and OFB’s Legal department won’t let me wade into any of that. So…don’t be dumb.
But there are other practical concerns. Say you’re at a staff meeing first thing. Do you really think Jane from accounts payable can’t smell the booze? Of course she can. Good old Jane has a super-sniffer. She’ll turn on you like a batch of fake receipts on an expense report.
Your coworkers also might think it odd when you’re slurping every. last. drop. of your coffee out of your to-go cup. Like…it’s gone, dude. It’s over. Stop slurping, you’re grossing everyone out.
Your boss will most certainly notice your 1 p.m. naps.
So I guess, in the end, my answer is that it’s probably not a good idea to add any Bailey’s to your coffee during the week. There are too many possible HR actions in the mix and let’s face it, you’re not going to get buzzed on loaded coffee, anyway. Save the booze for after work and save your day-drinking for the weekend.
Note: I’m glad I didn’t write this 15 years ago when the band started because the answer would have been something like, “fill up with coffee, add Bailey’s to taste and have a great Thursday, dude.” That’s just not right…probably…
Do you have a question for the Secret Weapon? Ask it at outoffavorboys.com/contact-us.